Supporting Siblings
How to support brothers and sisters of neurodivergent children - their needs matter too.
Love for their sibling alongside frustration, resentment, worry, guilt, and confusion. All of these are normal and valid.
May feel they get less parental time and attention due to their sibling's needs.
May take on caring roles, feel responsible for their sibling, or need to be "the easy one".
May not understand their sibling's behaviour or why rules seem different for them.
May worry about their sibling's future, their parents' stress, or their own role.
May face questions from friends, feel embarrassed, or struggle with how to explain.
Siblings often develop empathy, tolerance, and strong bonds despite challenges.
What siblings need
- Schedule regular individual time, even 15 minutes
- Follow through consistently
- Let them choose the activity
- Put away phones, be fully present
- Their own room or dedicated space if possible
- Locked box or drawer for treasured items
- Respect their boundaries
- Friends can visit without sibling involvement
- "It's okay to feel frustrated with your sibling"
- Don't minimise their feelings
- Listen without fixing
- Separate feeling from behaving - angry feelings are okay, hurtful actions aren't
- Explain the diagnosis in terms they understand
- Focus on how the brain works differently
- Answer their questions honestly
- Update as they get older
- Explain that everyone gets what they need
- "Your sister needs extra help with X, you need extra help with Y"
- Ensure they get their own needs met
- Don't always ask them to accommodate
- Safety is non-negotiable
- Intervene in aggression immediately
- Don't expect them to "understand" being hurt
- Have a safety plan for dysregulated moments
Explaining to siblings
"Everyone's brain is different. Your sister's brain works in a way that makes some things harder for her and some things easier."
"Sometimes she gets very upset because her feelings get really big really fast. That's hard for her too."
"She's not being naughty on purpose. Her brain just works differently."
"We love you both the same, even when we need to help her more with some things."
"Your brother has ADHD/autism. This means his brain processes things differently."
"The things that seem easy to you, like waiting or coping with changes, can be really hard for him."
"Different rules aren't because we love him more. It's because he needs different support to manage."
"Your feelings about this are valid. It's okay to feel frustrated sometimes."
"Why does he get away with things?"
"He doesn't 'get away with' things - we address his behaviour differently because his brain works differently. Just like you might need different help with maths than he does, he needs different help learning to behave."
"Is it my fault?"
"No, absolutely not. Nothing you did caused this. It's just how his brain developed - nobody's fault."
"Will I get it too?"
"Brain differences can run in families, but every person is different. If you ever feel you're struggling, we'll always help you too."
"Why can't you make her stop?"
"We're trying to help her learn. It takes time because her brain has to work harder at this. We know it's hard for you too."
Protecting the sibling relationship
Don't make them a carer
They're a sibling, not a parent. Caring responsibilities should be age-appropriate and limited.
Don't expect them to always give in
"Let him have it, he'll have a meltdown otherwise" makes them feel their needs matter less.
Facilitate positive interactions
Help them find shared activities that work for both. Build positive memories together.
Acknowledge their losses
They may grieve not having the sibling relationship they expected. That's valid.
Celebrate their relationship
Notice and comment on positive moments between them.
Model acceptance
How you talk about the neurodivergent child shapes how siblings perceive them.
Common mistakes to avoid
Better: It's okay if they're frustrated. Understanding doesn't mean never being upset.
Better: Their sibling's regulation is not their job.
Better: "I know it's hard for them" is true, but their experience is hard too.
Better: Avoid "At least you don't have..." - their struggles are valid too.
Better: Make sure their accomplishments get noticed, not overshadowed.
Signs they may need extra support
- •Behaviour changes (acting out, withdrawal)
- •School difficulties
- •Sleep problems
- •Physical complaints
- •Excessive worry or anxiety
- •Anger or resentment
- •Taking on excessive caring role
- •Saying they wish they had a different sibling
Sources of support
Meeting others in similar situations helps them feel less alone.
If they're struggling, professional support can help.
Let school know they may need extra support.
Grandparents or other relatives can provide special attention.
Time away from their sibling, at grandparents or activities.
Siblings don't need you to be perfect - they need you to see them. Regular, reliable attention and permission to have their own feelings goes a long way. Their needs are not in competition with their sibling's - both can be met.
- Siblings' needs are not less important than the neurodivergent child's
- Mixed feelings are normal and should be accepted
- Individual attention, consistently given, makes a huge difference
- Fairness means everyone getting what they need, not identical treatment
- Siblings need information, support, and permission to have their own feelings