Understanding Masking
What masking is, why children do it, the hidden costs, and how to support children who mask their neurodivergence.
Masking (also called camouflaging or compensating) is when a neurodivergent person suppresses their natural responses and mimics neurotypical behaviour to fit in or avoid negative consequences.
Examples of masking:
Why children mask
To fit in and be accepted
Children learn quickly that being different can lead to rejection, bullying, or exclusion.
To avoid negative reactions
They may have learned that their natural behaviour leads to punishment, criticism, or unwanted attention.
Social survival
School can feel like a social minefield. Masking feels like necessary protection.
To meet expectations
Pressure from adults to "behave normally" or "just try harder".
Lack of safe alternatives
When accommodations aren't available, masking may be the only option.
Internalised shame
Messages that being autistic/ADHD is bad or wrong lead to hiding true self.
Signs your child may be masking
Very different at home vs school
Teacher says they're fine; you see meltdowns, exhaustion, or distress at home.
Exhaustion after school
More tired than peers, needs significant recovery time.
"Holding it together" then falling apart
Manages all day, then releases everything at home.
Copying peers very closely
Mimicking exact phrases, behaviours, or interests of other children.
Excessive people-pleasing
Always agreeable, never asks for help, doesn't express needs.
Scripted responses
Rehearsed answers to common questions; may seem "too perfect".
Physical tension
Holding body tight, suppressing movement, visible effort to stay still.
Anxiety before school
Significant stress about maintaining the mask.
The costs of masking
Seek urgent help if:
- •Higher rates of anxiety and depression
- •Burnout and exhaustion
- •Identity confusion
- •Increased suicidal ideation (in research)
- •Chronic fatigue
- •Stress-related illness
- •Eating difficulties
- •Sleep problems
- •Masking can hide difficulties from professionals
- •Diagnosis delayed until breakdown
- •Support not provided when needed
- •Friendships based on performed self, not real self
- •Difficulty trusting others with true self
- •Isolation despite appearing social
- •Not knowing who they really are
- •Disconnection from authentic needs
- •Difficulty with self-advocacy
Supporting children who mask
Home should be where they can unmask safely. Accept the meltdowns, exhaustion, and real feelings.
"They're fine at school" doesn't mean they're fine. Trust what you see at home.
Help them know that their neurodivergent self is acceptable and valuable.
Help them learn to express needs and ask for accommodations.
Watch for signs of anxiety, depression, or burnout.
Share information about masking so they understand what they're seeing (or not seeing).
Places where they can unmask - quiet room, time with understanding adult.
Accommodations and acceptance reduce the pressure to camouflage.
Train staff to recognise masking behaviours and check in proactively.
Relationships where children feel safe to show their true selves.
Key messages to share
- "Good behaviour at school doesn't mean they're fine."
- "What you see is the performance, not the reality."
- "The cost of masking is paid at home - or later in mental health."
- "They need support even if they don't appear to."
- "Masking is exhausting and unsustainable."
Questions to ask school
- •What happens when you check in with them privately, away from peers?
- •How do they seem at less structured times (lunch, transitions)?
- •Have you noticed any physical signs of tension or effort?
- •How does their energy level compare to start vs end of day?
- •Are they copying specific peers very closely?
Supporting your child's understanding
- It's okay to be yourself
- You don't have to pretend to be someone else
- Your brain works differently, and that's okay
- It's okay to ask for what you need
- The right people will accept the real you
- •Recognising when they're masking and why
- •Identifying safe people and places to unmask
- •Self-advocacy - asking for accommodations
- •Knowing it's okay to take breaks
- •Understanding that needing help isn't weakness
This contributes to later diagnosis in girls.
Multiple studies link camouflaging to anxiety, depression, and suicidality.
As social expectations increase, so does masking effort.
Burnout, identity issues, and delayed diagnosis are common themes.
What you see at school is not the whole picture. A child who appears fine during the school day may be working incredibly hard to hold it together, with the cost paid in exhaustion, distress, and mental health difficulties. Support should be based on actual need, not visible behaviour.
- A child who "looks fine" at school may be struggling significantly
- Masking is a survival strategy with real costs
- Home meltdowns often reflect school masking, not "bad parenting"
- Support should be based on need, not visible behaviour
- Reducing the need to mask is more sustainable than expecting children to mask better